Magaluf Continued

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I have decided that as far as Magaluf goes, these tales are just an account of what I did. I don’t expect anybody to think they are funny stories as such. I’ve been a few times, and want to try and add the stories this way. There are too many to add as one story.

As I mentioned previously this was my first trip to Magaluf and my brother and his mates were already there.

I’m still not sure if I knew the name of my brothers apartments, but get the feeling we must have. It would have been a bit of a wild goose chase otherwise. Or at least you would think that.

The first day we arrived me and my two mates decided to go and find my brother. His mates were all great boys and we would have a rip roaring time with them.

I don’t know exactly how it went, but after what felt like hours of searching we were starting to think it wasn’t mean’t to be, and that we weren’t going to find them.

I remember us being next to BCM Nightclub. It wasn’t open as it was about 12 in the day. However with the amount of boozers their, we grabbed 3 cervezas and decided to chill out. Cruzcampo in a frozen tumbler. Funny how when you are abroad that the lager tastes great initially but then gets rotten towards the end of the trip.

We have our beers and decide we should eat. Even although as one guy I know and love says eating is cheating.

Now to put you in the picture a couple of my brothers mates were particularly handsome boys. As we are ordering breakfast two girls start talking to us, and the banter starts flowing.

At this point they ask us who we are with. We explain that I am looking for my brother and he is with his mates.. The girl instantly knows who we are looking for, when we describe  a couple of them. She says, “Is it one of these boys and names two of them”. She then tells us how much they fancied them and that they come to this place for their breakfast. She also knew where they were staying and points it out. Absolutely brilliant. Job done.

Another recollection of this holiday given we were only there for a week was one of my mates bouncing home at about five in the morning. He had 6 beers and woke me and my other mate up. He told us to come to the balcony for a beer. We are moaning at him for wakening us. He says you need to come and see this.As we look out we see what he means. A couple are trying to have some passion on a sun lounger and we have ringside seats. We all spark our cans and put them off as much as we can. If we weren’t getting any, why should they . There faces were a picture.

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• Magaluf. ( The Beginning) (gettothebarr.wordpress.com)
• Caffeine Hangover – Pro Plus and Beer (gettothebarr.wordpress.com)

Shopping Trolley( Playa D’Ingles)

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I think I was 20 when me and the boys went to (Playa d’Ingles)Gran Canaria. I remember it being me and another friends shot to go for the carry out(Alcohol to those of you not Scottish). I think there was 7 of us and we all drunk the big litre bottles of San Miguel( If you’ve ever been to Spain, you’ll know the ones). When in Rome and all that.

Anyhow me and the big man take a wander to the carry outshop at the bottom of the hill. Everyone wants 3 bottles of the litre gear. So 21 bottles need to be purchased. We never at any point realise we can’t carry 21 bottles between us.

We don’t realise that this is a problem till we are at the fridge collecting the bottles. Solution to the problem is we are going to have to steal a shopping trolley.

We go outside and put our peseta in the trolley. It was the coin operated ones. We then go and load up on the beers. Once the beers are bought we need to time it, as there is a security guard at the door. My recollection is the two of us sprinting out door with shopping trolley full of booze, onto the main road and all the way up the hill. ( Cars peeping at us, the works).Must have been in the days when I was still fit as we never got caught.

You would think that was job done but we still had to get the trolley passed reception and into the lift to our 7th floor apartments.

This was more tricky, but achievable. It’s hard to describe but we basically stood like a 2 man wall that you get at the football, and shuffled the trolley behind us while chatting to the receptionist. Once we got to the lift it was easy. I think the upside down trolley was where our ghetto blaster lived, for the rest of our stay.

I also think the trolley never went back down in the lift afterwards. It maybe flew via the balcony

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The Electric Barr

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I have always had a particularly weak bladder during my drinking career and it has always been a source of annoyance to my mates or drinking buddies due to the amount of time I end up spending in the toilet. The weakness of the bladder has caused a lot of pain, particularly when travelling distances, by bus or car. I’ve missed plenty buses and trains in my time as well due to it

It has also cost me a fortune in police fines over the years when I’ve ended up bursting and having to pee outside. My most recent one was only about 4 months ago. £40 fine for being caught peeing in the lane between the Horseshoe Bar and Central Station in Glasgow.

I’ve had 5 separate fines over the years due to this. I suppose it doesn’t help being cheeky to the police fining you. On one occasion when they asked for my name I spelt it phonetically and they doubled my fine .

Any trips by car or bus I end up having to get the drivers to stop on layby’s etc, and have even had to resort to DIY toilets during certain trips. I remember going to Newcastle once by bus and we had got a 5 litre bucket that had paint in it originally. We cut a gap in the lid so we could use it as a toilet. That way we wouldn’t have to stop as much.

One time however, my weak bladder nearly landed me in serious pain. My mates found this situation hilarious and I still laugh about how lucky I was.

We were on our way to Edinburgh for a night out by train and had took our carry out on the train. I had six cans of lager I think. Anyway, as per usual about 20 minutes into the journey I’m bursting for a pee and ask where the toilets are. My mate who works on the trains informs me there are none on this type of train. I decide there is no way I can hold it in.

I decide I’m getting off at the next stop to pee. My mates tell me not to be so stupid as train only stops to let people on and off, so there won’t be time to pee and I’ll end up not getting back on the train. I can’t wait however as it’ll be too far to wait till Edinburgh, as it’s still a good half hour away.At the next stop I jump off and run to the first fence I come to. I’m peeing as fast as I can hoping that the doors of the train don’t shut and the train goes without me.

As I’m looking round and peeing, I can see my mates roaring with laughter. I’m thinking to myself, “This is funny , but not that funny”. I somehow manage to get finished and run for the doors and manage to get on just as it’s closing. As I enter the train the conductor is checking all our tickets and my mates are still rolling about laughing.

At this point my mate says to me to come over. He points out the window and shows me where I had been peeing. About 1/2 a metre to the left of where I was peeing, there was an electric fence and a warning for it. Had I peed slightly to the left I’d have had a hell of a shock, to say the least.

My mates are having a laugh telling the conductor what I had just done and he looks at me puzzled and says, ” Why did you not just use the toilet on the train”.

At this point I look at my mate that had said there was no toilets and he just starts laughing and tells me he was winding me up about there being no toilet. That’s my mates for you. They have had that much inconvenience from my bladder I deserve a wind up now and again

It’s the bladder problem I blame for the previous After Shock stories I wrote as I’ve ended up getting up in middle of night to pee when clearly still blitzed. However without the weak bladder I wouldn’t have the stories, so it’s a blessing I reckon

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Oh Xmas Tree, Oh Xmas Tree

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This story was one of funniest things I’ve ever seen and there is actually pictures of it somewhere.

A few years ago I lived  in a first floor flat. I had only just fell out with the then girlfriend and we had bought a Xmas tree together previously. This New Year, me and loads of my mates were partying between houses and had ended up at mine at some point. Everybody involved knew how to party so a great night was had.

We were at my flat for wee while before moving elsewhere. I had a three piece leather suite with recliner chair at the time. The relevance of that will follow.

Anyway we were all having an absolute whale of a time. I remember at one point one of my mates was sitting on the arm of the chair, that wasn’t the recliner, whilst another mate sat on the chair itself.

My mate sitting in the middle of the chair stands up. The imbalance of the chair means my mate sitting on the edge of the seat hits the deck and the seat lands on top of him. We are all in tears and once he realises what’s happened he just buckles too..

Anyhow. As we are all talking about New Year and looking forward to the year to come.I decide I’m going to get rid of the Xmas Tree. It’s a reminder of the ex and I didn’t want a reminder lol

Instead of waiting till the next day to get rid of the tree in the conventional manner, I decide it would be a great idea to throw the tree, tinsel, bobbles and all straight out the living room window. My mates all agreed that this was a smashing idea.

Next thing, the living room window is open and my mates help me launch it out. To put you in the picture. This wasn’t a small tree. Was at least 6 feet so took couple of us to do it. As I say there is pictures to prove it  and I’ll upload them when I get them.

Next thing everyone is roaring with laughter as we all peer out the window at the fallen tree. Decorations everywhere. It was quite a sight!

Absolutely Priceless

Black Out

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This is just a wee quick anecdote that happened to someone I know very well. I was actually told this tale along with a few others on Xmas Day. Many years ago this person had decided to have a little adventure once he was fully qualified in his trade.

He had been abroad for a few months living with mates and had met some people from Leeds. Getting in tow with them led him to go and live in Leeds for a little while.

He got a job there and stayed a few months before heading back home. He was staying in a bed sit/ b and b. Anyway it was on about 4 levels this building ,with numerous rooms occupied on all floors.

In order to keep extra money for beer and to enjoy his stay more he had rigged up a magnetic gadget at work that he put on the electricity meter to fool it. He only needed to use it when he was in the room for the heating, as it wasn’t the warmest.He only ever slept in the room as was out enjoying himself every night. It was a simple case of putting the gadget on the live and neutral bits, or something like that.

Anyway one night he comes in from the pub pretty drunk and goes to put the gadget on.

Being drunk he got the live and neutral mixed up and the device started to weld itself onto the meter. At this point his room goes into total darkness. He manages to get the device off and is having a laugh at himself.

He then hears people shouting outside and peeks his head out the door. The commotion is due to the fact that he hasn’t just put the electricity off for his room. It had shorted the entire building. Being drunk he has no necessity for electricity so throws the device out the window and goes to sleep while the bedlam continues.

He wakes up fresh as a rose the next day and on the way out joins in the complaints about the electricity not working the night previously,or indeed still not working that morning, and heads off to work. (It was shocking that there was no electricity, he thinks)

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Brilliant

Also when he got back that night the electricity was all back on and no-one was any the wiser as to how it had happened.

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Magaluf. ( The Beginning)

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This isn’t a funny story as such. I went to Magaluf about 8 times in three years a while ago, and had some brilliant adventures. This is more an introduction as there are too many stories about Magaluf to put in one blog. I will put them on a story at a time. This just sets the scene as too how our visits to Magaluf started.

First time I went it was with two of my best mates. I’d been lots of boys holidays but this was my first time to Magaluf. Must have been about 10 years ago, at least. I was actually back this year and it’s hardly changed.

We had been in The Kilt ( Our Local Pub), and were all off work at the same time so thought we would go abroad. My brother and his mates were in Magaluf at this time already.

We were sitting at a table with my Dad and his mates. One of my Dad’s best mates went to Magaluf  loads as he had a timeshare there from time to time.

He explained to me that he would give me the mobile number for a woman who worked there and could get us accommodation. That way it would keep the price down and we’d only need to arrange flights and she’d sort us out when we got to Magaluf.

I’m quite carefree and like an adventure so thought this was marvellous.

My other two mates were a bit more sceptical and their preference was to book the whole package.

After a few pints I talked them into going via the woman as it would mean more beer tokens once we got there. Reluctantly they agreed. No wonder I’ve been in sales so long.

The next morning I call the woman and she asks when we are coming and how many were coming etc.

She tells me to call back later and she’ll check it out. When I call back she says no worries but she might need to move our accommodation for our last night. I don’t see this as a problem but don’t tell my pals as they are worriers, bless them.

The woman took a note of our arrival times and tells me that when we get to Palma, to get a taxi to a pub called the Coach and Horses, and she’d bring the keys and show us our room.

My brother and his mates were all in Magaluf at this point anyway so knew if all went tits up we’d be ok. My brother and his mates were there for a fortnight and we’d arrive about 4 days into their holiday, and we’d stay a week. I got my brothers apartments names from my Mum so we could get them once there.

Anyway, trip time comes around quickly and we get to Glasgow Airport and head to the bar. As we are enjoying our first pints we discover that our flight is delayed by about 3 hours. I don’t see this as being a big deal but my wee mate being a panic merchant due to the fact he had only had one pint at this point, tells me to phone the woman so she knows. If he had been at pint 6 he wouldn’t have bothered lol

Our flights were about 8 in the morning so I wasn’t phoning her that early as she knew we were coming anyway.As you can imagine, when I tell the boys this I get all sorts of abuse. I try her again prior to getting on flight but she goes on to voicemail. I leave a message and tell the boys.They tell me it doesn’t sound good and it’ll all go tits up. I tell them it’ll be fine and we keep drinking.

I’m starting to wonder myself by this point but don’t tend to worry about things until I have no choice. So we get on the plane and I continue to bevvy although the boys are convincing me that it’s not a good idea to get blitzed till we’ve sorted the digs out. We then stopped drinking………NOT.

We arrive in Palma and try the woman again but still no joy. Panic stations and I’m getting plenty abuse by this point. We decide to go to the pub we were meeting her in anyway. I think we arrived about Midday and were mean’t to meet her about 10 or 11am. I’m thinking the woman may still have been in her bed  when we first called and convince the boys it’ll be cool.

We get to the pub and order some cerveza’s and I call the woman. Still no answer. As you can imagine by this point I am getting serious abuse, so I call her again after my first pint. I’ve resigned myself to us having to find my bro and crash with him and his mates. This time she answers and is quite flustered as she explains she had a few bevvy’s the night before and is running late. She says she will meet us in pub asap. Panic over, get the beers in.

This is when things went fantastic. The lady meets us and takes us to our apartments. Anyone that’s been to Magaluf will know Linekers Bar and the Daquiri‘s  place that does the alcoholic slush puppies. Our Apartment was across from Linekers and our balconies( YES PLURAL BALCONIES) looked onto Daquiris, and more importantly, the beach.

As the lady leads us in she opens a door and takes us up a corridor. At this point one of my mates asks where our apartment is and she says you are in it. We are puzzled as we are in a big corridor. She says, “That’s your front door I just opened. We come to end of corridor and we go right. She opens door and it’s fantastic huge apartment. We see balcony and a bedroom at each end of it. I grab one bedroom and one of my other mates grabs the other, and we tell our other mate he’s on the couch. Me and my mate are laughing and at this point the woman says, ” He won’t need to go on the couch, as there is an ensuite bedroom if he goes back into the corridor. The joke is now back on us as he celebrates his ensuite status lol.

The place was a palace and we had another bathroom with shower and a separate stand up shower too. At this point we ask the lady what we owe and she says £180. We think that is fantastic as we only paid £90 for the flights. We go to give her £180 each and she says, ” No £180 between you all” . We cannot believe it but try not to react and show our delight too much in case she then asks for more lol.

As soon as the lady leaves the corridor we go off our nuts. A palace for a week for £150 each. Happy Happy Days.

I have loads more to tell about this trip and the ones that followed as we only got these apartments once haha. This is just to set the scene for next time. I’ll add to this as I go along, so will put first instalment on tomorrow

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The Sneaky Jobby ( Black Vodka Part One)

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This story will come in 2 parts and I’ll explain how as we go through the story.

A couple of years back myself and one of my best buddies were between jobs( That’s what we’ll call it) . We both loved a drink so headed to the carry out shop. It was a midweek night but I don’t recall which night. Probably a Tuesday.

When we are at the carry out shop we decided to try an alternative to lager, as we had been drinking it for a few days. I know for a fact we bought a litre of Black Vodka. It was actual Vodka but was the colour black. Can’t remember what we got with it for sure but think it was a box of Namaqua Red Wine. We like South African red wine you see.

Anyway, we head back to my mates and stick on the football and proceed with getting steamboats and having a laugh.

The end of the night is quite vague but I do remember the drunk state we got into was different to other drunk times. The reason I say that is it felt like I got drunk from the legs up ( A la Billy Connolly story). I don’t really remember leaving my mates but I only stayed around the corner from him.

On the way home I can remember swaying quite a lot and a five minute walk taking about 3/4 of an hour. I’m sure we’ve all been there. I also remember lying in a hedge at one point and being delighted about it. It wasn’t a worry being stuck in the hedge. I found it really funny and it took me abot 12 attempts to get out it.

On getting into my house I remember going to the toilet as I needed a jobby. I also remember now, that the light in my toilet wasn’t working so I left the door open. The hall light helped me make the toilet in the dark. When I started to do the toilet I realised something wasn’t right. A moment of panic ensued and I soon realised the toilet lid was down and that’s why normal jobbying wasn’t happening.

I jump up,lift lid and resume with what I am doing. Panic over and off to bed.

I wake up the next morning rough as feck and with a bit of the fear. I jump in shower and decide to head back to my mates to see how he is. I know he’ll be as rough as me so grab two bottles of wine as our curer, on the way round.

When I get to my mates he looks even rougher than I feel. We discuss how mental the black vodka was and he explains what he did after I left.

What happened to him will be explained in Part 2 of this story as I am getting him to write his account as it’s extremely funny. We spend the rest of that day getting drunk and having a laugh.

Now, the funnier bit of my story is to come.

A couple of days later when I’m back at my house and in the shower, I can smell this weird smell of jobby in the bathroom. When I come out the shower I bleach the bathroom floor and clean and bleach the toilet also. I then head out.

I return later and when I am in toilet the smell of jobby is still there. I check the toilet again and can’t work out why the smell is still there as I’ve cleaned it all thoroughly.

This is the best bit haha. While I’m cleaning the toilet again, i pull the lid of the toilet down. I clearly hadn”t the last time I cleaned it. Behind it there is a sneaky bit of dried up jobby about the size of a thumb.

I’m thinking to myself, that this is shocking, and someone must have done this during one of my many parties. I’m thinking at this point there will be no more parties as this is overstepping the mark.

Later on I remember about me the black vodka night, and how I’d started jobbying with the lid down, and realise it must have sneaked out then.

Turns out that I was the guilty party after all haha

I will get part 2 of this story out as soon as my mate writes it. He did some pretty weird things that night lol

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Caffeine Hangover – Pro Plus and Beer

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A good few years ago myself and a couple of mates decided to go up to Inverness for the night to visit a guy we previously were good mates with.  I’ve just had to phone my mate to confirm what happened as it’s a bit hazy.We were to get a train at around half six in the morning, on the Saturday.This would take us from Glasgow to Inverness That would get us there about 11ish.

Unfortunately myself and one of my mates that was going on the trip decided to go to Majestic’s on the previous night.This resulted in us not getting in till half four.

Needless to say we were extremely tired when travelling in to Glasgow from Wishaw for the train to Inverness. We got a carry out for the train and decided to drink through the tiredness.

On the train when we were nearly at Inverness we called our mate and his phone was straight on to answer phone.We keep trying his phone but no answer. If we hadn’t been drunk by now we would have worried, but we decided we would find somewhere to sleep if we didn’t get him. Inverness we had been told is a great night out anyway. I reassured my mates that if it came to it I’d sweet talk some local ladies into putting us up lol

Anyway, when we arrive at Inverness we head to what we believe is the busiest pub in Inverness for a pint. When we ask for our pints,  the barman asks us why we are up. We explain we are trying to meet up with a guy we were mates with and it was an excuse to come to Inverness for the weekend. The guy asks the name of our mate and when we give it he bursts out laughing. We ask why and he says our mate is extremely well known locally. This comes as no shock given his mental personality. The barman explains that he deejays in this particular pub and was on that night. Panic about digs over.

We then decide to do a pub crawl and about an hour later our mate phones to say he’ll be meeting us asap, and asks where were we.

Turns out he had been nightshift the night before. He had a job gutting fish at night and had been still asleep when we called. We had a right laugh winding  him up all day pretending that he stunk of fish.

Anyway why pro-plus you ask????? When our mate arrived to see us he had a packet of pro plus. The three of us that had travelled up hadn’t heard of them and he tells us that they are caffeine tablets and they help him stay awake on the night shift.

Myself and my mate reckon theses things are a great idea as we’ve only had 2 hours sleep.We go and buy a packet of 200 pro plus.

Clearly we don’t read the instructions as we were taking them about 4 at a time lol.

What I remember of that day was that we would take them and be wide awake for about an hour then one of us would be catching cheecky zeds with the eyes shut. We’d take them again and be good for couple of hours then same again.

We managed to stay out till night club time so they did the job. My mate that had been at Majestic with me actually managed to party with our mate from Inverness till the next day. Hats off to him.

Don’t recall there being any left the next day either.

I am in no ways suggesting this is a good idea and I’d never do it again as the hangover the next day was multiplied by 1000 and the train journey home was hellish.Even when trying to drink through it.

One of the boys never made it out of the train toilet due to being sick. We had even to get off the train early at Falkirk as we just wanted home to the pub. Taxi from Falkirk to the Kilt for me and mate that wasn’t being sick , but my mate doing the spewing had to throw in the towel lol.

A phenomenol weekend was had and I remember us all doing karaoke half asleep in Inverness and betting on who’d be next to fall asleep then having a right laugh waking them up in as harsh a way as possible.

Myself and my mate even managed to rally enough once back to the Kilt on the Sunday to make it to Baker Street that night.

Never made work on the Monday right enough. ooops there goes another job.

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Some size of Balls in those Speedos

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This story is about a legend who go’s by the name of Dalton. I’ve been pals with him for many years and was lucky enough to be usher at his wedding. He is so far the only person people reading this, that people might be able to guess, but I have his permission to add this.

I have lots of stories about Dalton and they might follow. MAYBE

Anyway, I have been to many beach resorts with Dalton and he has always been a pleasure apart from his desire to wear Speedos. You must know speedos AKA Budgie Smugglers via Fosters advert.

Anyway Dalton being a bouncer has always prided himself on his physique. His good, good mates would say he has the physique of the man who knows the name of every snack van owner in Scotland.However he is quite awesome and I love him.

However on one holiday with his lovely wife and yours truly in Magaluf. Dalton decided to put on the SPEEDOS in iluminous yellow with SPEEDO in royal blue across his bum cheeks on for our third day out.

At this point I must mention that my mate Dalton is pretty well endowed. Let’s just say that wee Baz wouldn’t be wearing SPEEDOS.

Anyhow as Dalton, his wife and I walk to our pool in Magaluf we meet a wee Glasgow dude( A NED). Big Daltons confidence on leaving the lift is shattered as the wee Glasgow dude bursts out laughing at him and says, “Haw big man. Check the size of your baws. You have massive baws”. Me and his lovely Mrs buckle. During our laughter big Dalton jumps back in lift, goes back to room and puts on his baggy shorts. Big Reef never lived that down

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Do you deliver Chinese Meals?????

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This was a really funny story from years ago and the joke was  the taxi drivers response in conversation. My local pub was called The Kilt and was in Newmains. My mates and I spent practically all our time in it. Unfortunately it is now an Asda and we all miss it to this day.

Anyway, as you can imagine we used a lot of taxi’s getting from The Kilt to Motherwell Point, Hamilton Palace , Wishaw, Majestic etc We had one taxi driver that we nicknamed Yoda, as he looked like Yoda from Star Wars and must have been same age lol. The guy was a star. He must have been nearly ninety, but loved his job although he used to pretend he didn’t.

On this one occassion I think we were going to Motherwell Point and it was Sunday night. Myself and two mates.

At the time I worked for Quik Fit Insurance, My other mate worked for Scot Rail and my third mate was a Manager at Chung Wah.

Chung Wah for anyone that doesn’t know, was a Manufacturing Company. I think they maybe specialized in tv’s but my mate managed the production line, so was Manager.

The reason I mention all this, is that the taxi driver Yoda asked us in the order I’ve listed the jobs, as to where we all worked and what we did.

He got to the my mate that worked in Chung Wah last.

When my mate said , ” I work for Chung Wah”, the drivers response had me crying.

Yoda said, ” I see. So you deliver the Chinese meals do you son”

My mate was mortified by the response, and knew the taxi driver really thought that was what he did.

Rather than correct the old guy and make him look daft, my mate just lauged and said, ” Aye that’s what I do, I deliver Chinese meals”

Brilliant. That story was told many times that week.

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Dortmund – German Porn Incident

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A few years back myself and three mates were going to Germany to watch Scotland play in Dortmund.

We were meeting up with work mates of our friend. All in we had about 20 bodies in our group.

On the day of us leaving, my mate who had organised this trip for us, along  with his workmates, pulls out. He cited a sore elbow. To this day me and the boys reckon he was just barred from going.

Fortunately I had met most of his work buddies before ,so I’d know who to look for at Glasgow airport.

We were flying to London, from Glasgow, then to AMSTERDAM for a few hours, then train to Dortmund.

As you can imagine we would be drinking all the way and indulging in a  bit of culture in Amsterdam.

One story that springs to mind on arrival in Amsterdam was me trying to be smart, and ordering Oranjeboom for us all. I had tried it in Asda previously and it was a Dutch lager. I’m standing there telling everyone how great it was and that they would love it. Next thing the waiters bring out 14 orange juices instead of the lager. We were all in stitches.I’m the butt of this joke for next couple of days.

We then decided to try the cakes and smoking delights of Amsterdam. This would put paid to my two mates from home, that were with me. They went a little bit over the top with the cakes. We left to catch the train and by the time we got on it the marajuana hit them hard. They never left their seats on train, untill arrival in Dortmund. They got to the hotel, jumped in to bed and never left the room for about 36 hours. They woke up on day of game as fresh as feck and full of beans however.

Due to these two being bed bound on arrival in Dortmund I went  out with the rest of the boys. I had gone out and hadn’t even bothered to get the hotel name. I’ve went out that night, had a ball, but at end of night I got lost, and couldn’t find the boys I was with. Panic sets in as I don’t know the hotel name to get back to it. I am trying every pub we had been in, but because over 10,000 Scotland fans had travelled, I was up against it due to the business of the pubs. Fortunately just as I was about to give up and crash with other Scotland fans who had offered me a room, one of the boys I was with saw me and jumped on my back.

Utter relief. This is us nearly at the funny bit. I was sharing a room with a guy who had gone home drunk earlier in the night.

When I got to my hotel room, we could hear porn blaring from my room. We open the door and my room mate for the trip is lying on the bed, pants and trousers around his ankles with his manhood in his hand, BUT here is the twist. He is snoring his head off. We are in stitches and get the rest of the boys to show them the sight.

When we eventually wake him up.He confesses to having intended to do the job but fell asleep before he could get in the mood, so to speak. Hilarious. If you are going to get caught you might as well do it in style I say.

Other highlight of the trip was the Scotland fans pouring gallons of Fairy Liquid into the fountain in the centre of Dortmund , and the German camera crews filming it all thinking it was genius.

About 15,000 fans covered in bubbles in the pissing rain is quite a sight.

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Did a number 2 in a hotel rooms drawer

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This is one of the funniest stories ever, and was the reason I could actually leave my hotel room in Amsterdam

A couple of years ago my mates and I went to Amsterdam via Belgium to watch Scotland play Holland.

We go to loads of Scotland games and the other trip stories will follow. We have a group of guys that work for the Rail that go all the trips with us. I have become great pals with all these guys through our trips. This trip resulted in my best mate being banned from these trips by his wife.

Anyway. We flew to Charleroi in Belgium and the plan was to get the train to Amsterdam. Due to a lot of the boys working with the rail, they got free travel throughout Europe, hence us using the trains.

However on the flight over one of my mates got talking to some boys from Hamilton. They had a coach booked to take them from Charleroi to Amsterdam and had six seats available. Due to five of us not having rail passes, this was a much cheaper way of travelling. We asked the boys how much it was and they said not to worry about it and just to buy a carry out for the bus.

We thought that mean’t to buy drink so that everyone on the bus could drink it. So we bought about 400 cans of JUPILER lager. I highlight Jupiler as it is what the Belgians drink in preferance to Stella, and we all know how strong Stella is.

When we got on the bus, the boys from Hamilton couldn’t believe how much we were intending on drinking. Turns out they had just mean’t for us to get our own drink, not for the whole bus, as they had already bought their own.

Not wanting the drink to go to waste and realising we wouldn’t be able to carry it all in Amsterdam, we got right stuck in. On arrival at Amsterdam we were pretty drunk but knew what we were doing. My mate never was, as he never even brought his bag off the bus lol. He would be wearing same clothes for next two days.

We head to our hotel and check in. This bit gets hazy. We then go to a pub next door to our hotel and stay there. My last perfect memory was a Latvian and a Dutch girl fighting over me and me loving it. Needless to say I never ended up with any of them as I started talking to someone else and forgot about them.

Next thing I’m outside the pub, and can’t remember where my hotel is even though I’m outside it. I don’t know the name of my hotel as never booked it and had never bothered to ask anyone. This happened to me before in Dortmund.

I end up talking to a Scotland fan and was told the next day that one of the boys saw me from the hotel and came and got me. Thank goodness they did.

Next morning I wake up in the room I’m sharing with my mate, but there is no mate. I have an eight foot mirror in my room which shouldn’t be in the room. Blood on the back of my top that is on the floor, and an extra room key for a different hotel.

Oh, I also have the biggest dose of fear I have ever known, and decided at that point I was never leaving that room again. I see a few cans of jupiler and decide the only way through the fear is to drink more. I get up like a scene from The Hangover to see if I can find anything else. At that point the door is chapped and I panic. Fortunately it was one of the rail boys that I’m really good mates who tells me to get ready.

I explain I’m going nowhere as I don’t remember much, and he bursts out laughing telling me nothing happened. He had been with me. My mate is in another room and the blood was from another mate who had cut his hand. To this day I don’t know where the hotel key came from. I hope it was one of the girls I was talking to lol.

One thing that made me laugh is when the mate tells me we took the mirror from the hall as a joke. Good idea at the time.

The other thing that made me feel much better however is when he says, ” You will not believe what I did”

He then tells me funniest story ever.

On leaving me he headed to his own room, but couldn’t get in. He was bursting for a number 2, and the room next door was open.

He sneaked in and opened the first drawer he came to, Did a number 2 in the drawer and escaped out.

Funnier than that, the room ws occupied by two of his mates. When they woke up they were asking each other if they had did a number 2 as the room smelt rotten. They checked the toilet was flushed properly and it was.Baffled by the smell and following their noses they head to the drawer and open it.

There on top of the bible is my mates number 2.

I still laugh when I think of them jumping about raging with disgust. Absolute Class

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My mate who loves eating when drunk

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My best mate from High School was a guy who loved to eat at the best of time but especially drunk.

This hunger resulted in my parents returning from holidays to numerous new kitchen appliances.

Between the ages of 19 – 22, anytime my parents went on holiday, my two mates would move in and we would generally have a ball.

My best mate would always end up making food and causing damage, Some explained and some to this day we still don’t know what happened.

First one I remember was the toaster going on fire the morning after my mate was using it.

He had been trying to make roasted/toasted cheese in the toaster.  I must point out that the reason he was using the toaster, and not the grill in the cooker, is he had managed to somehow burn the element out of the cooker two nights previous.

Anyhow, my genius mate was trying to make roasted cheese by putting a cheese slice on the end of a fork and trying to dangle it onto the bread while the toast was cooking. After dropping about 4 cheese slices into the toaster he realised this method wasn’t working.

Next brainstorm was to put the toaster on it’s side and make that way. This worked slightly better but wasn’t ideal. However next morning all the cheese that had fell in caused the toaster to go on fire.

Parents home to a new 4 bread toaster rather than the 2 bread one they left and new element in cooker.

Next trip my parents had got a dual microwave with grill. I explained to my mate, that if he was using the grill,  not to have anything on top of the microwave as it would melt.

When tidying the house for my parents return I go to put the toaster that was sitting on the microwave back to it’s rightful place. I pick it up and turn to move it to the worktop and the plug cable won’t come with it. I give a tug and it still won’t come. I go to microwave and the plug is completely melted onto top of microwave.

Parents home to another new toaster and microwave. No harm no foul.

In my mates defence, no lasting damage was ever done and he always had an upgrade of the previous model of appliance awaiting my parents.

We all still laugh to this day about the appliances he broke.

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Drunk Pranks Part 2

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We all have probably drawn on peoples faces before when they have been passed out, however there is always a way to take it a step further.

One Sunday years ago my mates and I were out in our local drinking with girls we were friendly with.

At the end of the night one of the girls decided to to invite us all back to hers to keep the party going.

Crazy thing was she was starting a new job the next day but it didn’t put her off.

This night the sock trick was done as usual.

However this night the girl who was starting the new job next day ,had set her alarm so she would be up in plenty time to catch her bus.

She then continued drinking and went to bed. Myself and her pals decided to draw a fake moustache etc with eye liner. We then moved her alarm and clock time, so that when she awoke, she would think she was late ,but would actually be an hour early.

On awakening she thought she was late and basically just jumped up and pulled clothes on.She headed out door without looking in a mirror. A few of us were up and found this all hilarious

The funny part was that when she arrived to go on bus to work, she obviously wasn’t aware of the nice moustache etc we had drawn on. She then felt extremely paranoid when the bus driver burst out laughing ,and asked if she had been partying the night before.

She said, ” I take it I look rough”, to which the driver said, ” Yes, but if you look in my wing mirror you will see the real giveaway”.

She realised then that she couldn’t go to work looking like that, so she headed back raging.

On arrival back we were all over the place with laughter, and she was shouting how she couldn’t believe we were causing her to be late on her first day, as it was now half eight or whatever time it was.

We then told her to calm down as it would be fine and showed her the time on the tv.

At that point she just burst out laughing herself and told us we were all a few choice words.

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Favourite drunk games and pranks Part 1

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This I will add to as I get time.

Quick funny one is if someone falls asleep at a party( Normally needs to be a guy)

How we thought this up I have no idea, but they do say alcohol opens up part of your brain you don’t normally use

When asleep remove shoes carefully. Then pull sock from toes about 5cm, but do not remove.

Cut the end of the sock off so toes are exposed.

Put excess sock in toe of shoes.

When drunk person awakens they will think their feet have grown or shoes have shrunk ,as excess material will make shoes tighter.

Number 2 laugh is when they then pull their socks up they will come right up past their knees

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After Shock Part 2 ( The End of After Shock)

I can’t actually believe I am going to share this story but you only live once.

A few years ago when I must have been around 27 years old I lived with a girl in East Kilbride.

This was a few years after the last time I drunk After Shock, and had jumped into bed with my mates parents, so had forgotten what After Shock could do to me.

Anyway, the aforementioned girlfriend had got in touch with an old primary school friend via the website Friends Re-united. She had gone to school in Alloa for couple of years when younger and had then moved back to East Kilbride.

She and the pal were really excited to see each other, so she invited her friend and her husband through to East Kilbride to have a night out and stay over.

At this point I have to let you know that it was only a one bedroom house, but we had two couches in living room, so the couple decided they would sleep in living room, and have a couch each.

The couple arrive and we all had a drink prior to going out.

A recurring theme you will find reading these stories ,is I never eat while drinking alcohol, as I have always believed EATING IS CHEATING. That’s what my best mate told me at 16 and was worst advice to give me lol.

On reflection that is part of the reason I have ended up in the conditions I have, as the wise thing to do is to eat and line your stomach.

I could never eat on hangovers and hated them ,so would always  just drink through them. They say the best way to prevent hangovers is to stay drunk after all.

I digress. So we all end up out in East Kilbride on a massive pub crawl and at the end of the night we are in some nightclub in the shopping centre. Can’t think of the name of it but it may come back to me at another time.

Somebody thinks it a good idea to do shots and they pick After Shock.

Next thing I know it’s morning and I am naked in bed with a feeling of dread.

I know I have done something shocking but have no idea what.

This as anyone that enjoys a drink will tell you, is the worst feeling in the world and the one that prompts the saying, ” That’s it, I’m never drinking again”.

So I’m lying there shitting myself wondering what I’ve done but am too scared to get up and ask.

I wake the girl I’m living with and ask wht I’ve done and she can’t think of anything so I feel a bit better. not better enough to go and ask our house guests however, so I continue to stay in the room.

The girl gets up and goes through to see the guests and returns about ten minutes raging.

Uh oh, I’m thinking.

She says, ” I am mortified, I cannot believe what you have done”, or something along those lines.

The fear is now gripping me.

What happened was that in the middle of the night I had required to pee. This again will be a recurring theme as my mates will testify I have the weakest bladder in Europe.

I also have a habit of sitting down to pee when home drunk, so I don’t miss the target. This part is relevant.

I have got up to do the toilet and on leaving the room I should turn right to head into the toilet. Unfortunately that is not the choice I make. I turn left and head into the living room for some reason.

Bear in mind I am naked,and have met this couple for the first time this night.

I walk into the living room.The wife is on the first couch and sees me come in but doesn’t react in case I’m sleepwalking. She revealed this to be the reason later.

I walk to end of couch and sit down on her feet. At this point I must have thought I was sitting on toilet so I begin to pee on the wooden floor, while the wife lies there not knowing what to do. I stand up, give my manhood a shake and go back to bed.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOfffffffffffffffffffffttttttttttttttttt.

On hearing this story from the girl I live with you can only imagine the FEAR I had and the dread , at having to go through and face them. Fortunately for me the couple found it all very amusing.

To this day I don’t believe they didn’t find it amusing , but what were they really going to say.

However they did invite us through to their house to stay a couple of weeks later so they obviously didn’t hold it against me.

Funny things I remember of the story was in the morning when I came through the wife saying she didn’t recognize me with my clothes on.

Better than that however, was that when we did go through to stay at the couples house, they had bought rubber bed sheets for me as a laugh, and to literally take the piss.

Crystals was the nightclub. Told you it would come back to me

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Time my mate thought he was paralyzed

Image by practicalowl via Flickr

At the time this happened I must have been around 19years old. Myself and a mate had been out all weekend and had carried it on till the Monday. Being from a small town and sitting in our local we weren’t aware of anywhere you could continue to drink or go out after last orders so were resigned to going home.

However the guy who owned the pub made us aware that Hamilton Palace was open on a Monday and was really busy. (Single Mum’s night or Giro Night I think it was affectionately known as). This is a night we would re-visit, on several occasions thereafter lol

Anyway, pub owner said if we wanted to quickly nip home and get ready, he would give us a lift to Hamilton Palace, saving us about a tenner in a taxi.

For anyone that doesn’t know Hamilton Palace, it is on three levels and on arrival myself and my mate couldn’t believe how busy it was. First person we saw was a guy dressed up as Elvis Pressley with the full gear on. Quality. My mate and I are saying to each other , ” Do none of these people work” Turns out a lot did. Just not the traditional 9 to 5.

This doesn’t actually constitute the reason for this story, but lets you know how it came to happen.

Anyway me and my mate ended up having a great night, and the plan the next day was to meet at bus stop in our home town, and head to Glasgow for the day.

When I woke up the next day I couldn’t actually remember coming home, but assumed I had come home with my mate.

Bear in mind this was back in the day before mobile phones, so when I got up I phoned my mates house phone. He never answered so I jumped in shower then called back. There was still no answer.

At this point I started to question whether I did get a taxi home with my mate or not.

About five minutes later my phone rings and it’s the panicked voice of my mate. He says to me that he just had the scariest moment of his life to date but was ok.

He explained to me that when I called the first time the phone had awoken him.

When he went to get up he couldn’t move his legs no matter how he tried. He shouted for his parents to come help as he was paralyzed from waist down. Unfortunately for him both his parents were working ,so he again tried to get up. Still he couldn’t get his legs to work properly.

As he lay there with the fear wondering what to do,  the phone rung again, and he decided he would try and crawl to the hall to answer the phone and get help.

Now here is the hilarious bit.

I don’t know if anyone owns Timberland boots or Caterpillar boots but when tied up, they go right up by your ankles, and can be really tough to remove when drunk.

My mate had been wearing his the night before.

When he tries to crawl from the bed he throws back the covers, and when he does so he looks down towards his legs.

On throwing back the covers and looking down he sees he still has his jeans on, however they are around his ankles. The jeans combined with still having his boots on fully tied, was the reason he couldn’t move his legs and not paralysis after all.

He had obviously came into his room steaming, wanting to go to bed, and was unable to remove the boots by untying or by force lol. He has then tried to take the jeans off at some point during his sleep not knowing the boots were still on, therefore stopping the jeans getting off.

Absolute quality.

We still met that day and went into Glasgow as planned. Carry out for the bus naturally.

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After Shock Part One – Getting into my mates Mum and Dad’s bed by Mistake

A bit of background to this tale is maybe vital for you to be able to follow the story. Previous to me climbing into bed with my mates mum and dad, I had been staying at my mates whilst his parents were on holiday.

I had slept in their room during this time. That’s me getting my excuse in  and I’m sticking to it.

Another bit of background is that I support Rangers FC and my best mate supports Celtic FC. This will become clear later on.

Anyway, one Friday night, that incidently was our third night of drinking. My mate and I,( He’ll know who he is), have ended up in our favourite nightclub, The Magic Stick, or to give it it’s real name, Majestic.

About 15 minutes before getting chucked out time, neither of us had pulled any ladies( unusual for me but not my wee mate lol), we decided to order After Shocks (plural). Incidently this was the 2nd last time I have ever drunk After Shock( The last time will be in a story to follow).

Anyway, I digress. We order approximately 7 or 8 each and line them up. Then we drink them as quick as we can.

We had planned to go out the next day so my mate tells me to crash at his parents house with him , and we get a taxi to his. I remember this bit as the After Shocks hadn’t kicked in yet.

Next thing I know I’ve awoken on my mates floor, with a duvet and pillow. Not the worst situation I’ve ever awoken in.

However on awakening I find I am wearing the full Celtic strip my mate had given me( wouldn’t have agreed to that sober lol), and with a strange feeling that I had spoken to my mates Mum.

I expressed my concern to my mate, who reassured me by saying I’d have dreamt it. We get washed, I borrow a shirt and we go back out on the booze again.

My mate  doesn’t speak to his parents till the Sunday at dinnertime. At this point they inform him that they had a visitor in their bedroom on the Friday night.

His Mum then explained that I must have got up in the middle of the night and went to the toilet. Only problem was, rather than go back into my mates room, I took a wrong turn and went into his parents room. To this day my mate says I was aiming for his sisters room lol.

So i entered the parents room and  climbed into his Dad’s side of the bed, and tried to cuddle in. His Dad never awoke but as I pushed him across the bed to make more room for myself, I pushed his Dad into his Mum, and she awoke startled. I still don’t remember this, however I did have a funny feeling I had spoken to his Mum as I said earlier.

His Mum awoke and shouted to me I was in the wrong room. To which I seemingly just grunted ok and went back to my bed.

Funny thing is a few years later I was usher at the same mates wedding, and I had to get into the back of the wedding car, and I was sat between his parents and we all had a good laugh when I said, ” It’s been a while since us three were all this close”